God has been so good through this process of grieving and healing. There are still many days that I find it hard to breathe or function with out tears on the brim of my heart and eyes, but God has been so faithful. I am thankful for His goodness and reminding me that He is here. I still feel such a void, but He IS!!

The last week has been a struggle in getting things cleaned out of our basement. It has been a healing experience for me with many tears. One of the things that has been nice to see is the amount of letters and cards that I have given to my mom over the years. I think mom kept everyone of them. I clearly told her how special I thought she was and how I thanked God for her presence in my life daily. It was comforting to know that I did take the time to tell her that I was proud that she was my mom. It is a good reminder to tell others of your love for them. I also pray that I am the kind of mom that my children rise up and call blessed.

As I was going through the boxes of mom's stuff I found some fun treasures in the form of quilts. I am so excited that mom had several quilts half finished. I have some projects to do with my girls/kids in years to come. What fun for them to know that they are helping to finish a project that there grandma started. I will make sure that tradition is passed on, however I wish I would have payed a little better attention. I know some of the very basic patterns, so I guess I will start there. I think I have made about 6 quilts, of course with my mom standing over my shoulder so...now it will be time for me to forage my own path.

Off to bed,I have a lot to do tomorrow, swim lessons, figure out school for this next year, clean the house, prepare for a birthday party for Rachel. She will be four years old. What a blessing!!! Four years ago we didn't know if we would have four hours, let alone four days. We have been blessed even if the road is hard and we are weary and worn at times from this battle, God is here with us. We will celebrate life!! We will praise Him for He is good.

A New Normal

It is so weird to think that the person that saw all of my firsts is now gone. I am thankful that I was able to see some of her lasts, but there is such irony in that thought. I saw her take her last breathe, she saw me take my first. I saw her last steps here on this Earth, she saw my first. I remember her last foods, she gave me my first foods. There is something very sweet about these memories and yet something that so deeply grieves my soul. I thank God for the time that I have had with my mom, and yet I so desperately wish there could have been more. I could not ask her to stay here even if she could have, but...oh how I miss her! There have been so many days in the last month that I have just ached and longed to talk to her, to ask her a question that only she would know.

I am amazed at the bond that was there between us. I always knew it was there and I have been close to my mom all my life. My biggest fear growing up was that my mom would die and leave me alone. I would go into her room at night and watch to make sure that she was breathing and then return to my room and pray that God would keep her alive and well for years. Well...now...life is taking shape in a different manner without her here. It has been a month today since I last talked to her. Tomorrow it will be a month since she went on Home to Glory. In many ways the pain is less, I am not crying non-stop all day everyday. But, in many ways the pain is changing in a deeper sense. I miss her voice, her wise council, her encouragement, the joy of having her here daily with us. I bet I talked to her almost everyday at least once for at least the last 14 years (except my time over in China). I miss telling her the fun day to day things that happen that only she would care about. There is no one that will ever love my kids the way she did. I am sad for them.

Rachel the other day prayed for Grandma in Heaven. I had to remind her that Grams didn't need prayer anymore, but we do here on Earth. She smiled and said, "But I was Grams' happy feet". It was the name that Grandma had given to her and she loved it.

The funny thing about memories is that they are precious and fun, but the thought of not being able to make new ones leaves a saddness almost unbearable at times. I loved my mother in a way that I can be proud of. She was an amazing woman with a smile and silliness unmatched by any I have ever known. I loved the way that she loved. It was full, deep and without restrain. God gave her an awesome ability to fully let someone into her heart. She was such a real person. Often goofy and silly in the things that she said and did, but she didn't care. She was able to laugh at herself, and it didn't take much to make her laugh. She was a fun person to be around.

I am going to use this blog to work through some of the many memories and emotions I have going through my mind. LIfe goes on...even through the saddness.

Tribute to Mom

When I think of my mother I think of someone who kissed Earth with strength and love from Heaven. She was an amazing woman with so many different faciets that made up her character. She was kind and gentle, yet forceful and blunt when needed. There was rarely a question about what she thought of someone or something because she was a person that was real and transparent. She was a simple person as she used to say, that loved life. One of the things that I valued the most in my mother was her deep and abiding faith in the Lord. She had experienced much of her young life as normal person knowing about God, but not knowing Him. Several years after my sister and I were born God took hold of her heart and life. There was a transformation that was true and genuine and from that time on she walked on a different path. She fell in love with Jesus! Life was not easy as a single mother, but I grew up hearing the wonderful stories of how God had blessed her and provided for us in asounding ways. She was very quick to give God praise for who He was and then to proclaim His goodness to whomever would listen. People who knew her well say that I am very much like her in my desire to quickly give God praise, I learned it from her. She was an awesome example of a person who fully trusted God, and knew from a long, deep relationship with Him that He never fails!

Mom loved people. She practiced hospitality often. I loved it how she never let it bother her that our house wasn't perfect, or that we didn't have just the right meal to serve but invited others to be part of our lives despite these things. People always felt at home in her house.

Some of the things she loved most were singing praises to the Lord. When we were young she would invite others from church over for nights of singing praises to the Lord. I remember going to bed listening to the adults singing into the wee hours of the morning. Everywhere we went we sang. She had a song for every cirucumstance. She loved music. Mom also loved being expresive in other ways. She loved to sew and create things. Quilting was a favorite because she loved the comparsion to the ways God takes different scraps of our lives and makes a master peice out of it.

One of my mom's favorite hobbies was being an amazing grandmother. I often marveled at her patience and love for each one of the kids. She adored them and they knew it. A day wouldn't go by that she wouldn't call to check on them or stop to see them. Every colored picture that they gave her she treasuered and made sure it made it to her refridgerator. She enjoyed teaching them games, how to cook and even how to sew. What she enjoyed teaching them the most was about the love of Jesus. She recently had a converstaion with our young seven year old about what to look for in a future wife. I overheard her saying, "First, and most important she must love Jesus." How precious to have a mother than knew the love of the Lord and allowed others to see it so clearly in all aspects of her life.

There are many things that I will miss terribly about my mom. She was my biggest encourager. She reminded me often of the Lord's faithfulness and the way he always does what is best. "He never gives us more than we can handle." Even in the pain of death...God is here and He is faithful. There is no greater friend that He. I am thankful for the verse, "But the love of the Lord remains forever with thsoe who fear him. His salvation extends to the children's children of those...who obey his comandments!!" Ps. 103:17-18 Thank you mom for teaching me about Jesus. I know that the Lord has blessed me as well as my children because of your influence and faithfulness. Thank you for being Christ to us here on Earth. I love you always and forever.

Mercies are new

Thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. I am headed to the hospital this morning. Mom has dialysis again today. She is starting to feel better, now it is time to start working on her strength. SHe is very weak and has been in the bed for almost a week. We are hoping that the dr.s have some good direction on how to best help mom recover.

Thankful

I am reminded today that all that I love, and all that I have are in God's hands. He is the giver of life and the sustainer of life. I am thankful that it is Him that I have my trust in. When times are difficult like they have been for the last few months I am just so thankful that I know He is God and that He loves me and cares for each and every one of my needs.