A New Normal

It is so weird to think that the person that saw all of my firsts is now gone. I am thankful that I was able to see some of her lasts, but there is such irony in that thought. I saw her take her last breathe, she saw me take my first. I saw her last steps here on this Earth, she saw my first. I remember her last foods, she gave me my first foods. There is something very sweet about these memories and yet something that so deeply grieves my soul. I thank God for the time that I have had with my mom, and yet I so desperately wish there could have been more. I could not ask her to stay here even if she could have, but...oh how I miss her! There have been so many days in the last month that I have just ached and longed to talk to her, to ask her a question that only she would know.

I am amazed at the bond that was there between us. I always knew it was there and I have been close to my mom all my life. My biggest fear growing up was that my mom would die and leave me alone. I would go into her room at night and watch to make sure that she was breathing and then return to my room and pray that God would keep her alive and well for years. Well...now...life is taking shape in a different manner without her here. It has been a month today since I last talked to her. Tomorrow it will be a month since she went on Home to Glory. In many ways the pain is less, I am not crying non-stop all day everyday. But, in many ways the pain is changing in a deeper sense. I miss her voice, her wise council, her encouragement, the joy of having her here daily with us. I bet I talked to her almost everyday at least once for at least the last 14 years (except my time over in China). I miss telling her the fun day to day things that happen that only she would care about. There is no one that will ever love my kids the way she did. I am sad for them.

Rachel the other day prayed for Grandma in Heaven. I had to remind her that Grams didn't need prayer anymore, but we do here on Earth. She smiled and said, "But I was Grams' happy feet". It was the name that Grandma had given to her and she loved it.

The funny thing about memories is that they are precious and fun, but the thought of not being able to make new ones leaves a saddness almost unbearable at times. I loved my mother in a way that I can be proud of. She was an amazing woman with a smile and silliness unmatched by any I have ever known. I loved the way that she loved. It was full, deep and without restrain. God gave her an awesome ability to fully let someone into her heart. She was such a real person. Often goofy and silly in the things that she said and did, but she didn't care. She was able to laugh at herself, and it didn't take much to make her laugh. She was a fun person to be around.

I am going to use this blog to work through some of the many memories and emotions I have going through my mind. LIfe goes on...even through the saddness.