Fun in the Snow

Had a great time sledding with the kiddos, however realized how old I feel with this particular activity. The kids run up and down the hills and I TRUDGE. Had a great time, but wondering why our entrance to our house looks like this? Oh, well. As my mom used to say. "Your kids are only little once and they won't remember the messy house, only the messy activities that were shared."

Thankful!

Today, I was working on cleaning my basement (a never ending task it seems) and I came across a Mother's Day card that I had written to my mom over 9 years ago. It was when I was pregnant with Nathan so I did not have near the respect or admiration for what a mother means that I do today. However, the words that I wrote brought a smile and a tear to my eye. I have always loved to write (even if grammar and spelling have always eluded me) so this particular card was about 9 pages long. It went through the many stages of life that we had shared.

It started with childhood and how she had sacrificed so much for Kim and I. She went with out so much so that we could have. The many hours she spent in the car taking us to practices, church, and other various events. It then went on to talk about high school and the way she was so strict in HS while our other friends were out running around we were home with our friends, or at least making an account for where we were. The card continued into college and how all of our friends loved seeing "Mama B" come to town. She often brought treats and surprises along with a lot of laughter. All of our friends from college knew of my mom and have fond memories of her time with us at college. Mom always pushed us on to greater heights. I know every time she left I cried hard, I am quite sure she did too, but never let us see the pain of separation only the joy of knowing she was proud of us. Then the card talked about holding my hand as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day. What a honor and privilege to have my mother give me away. It was a joyous day for me, but I am sure once again a day full of mixed emotions for her. Little did she know that she would be getting an amazing son.

The last two pages of the Mother's Day card/book really made me cry. It was labeled Present and Future. I had so many joys of having her near. I talked to her everyday, and sometimes multiple times. She was the one I loved to talk to and bounce ideas off of. I have a wonderful husband, but there is still nothing like a mother's wisdom to glean from. Then reading about the future that we no longer have to look forward to, my heart broke. I miss her so much!!

As I closed the book two thoughts overwhelmed me. The first, of course was the intense grief and loss that I feel with out her here with me to share life. The other equally strong feeling was that of Thankfulness. I am so thankful that I took the time to put into words all of the wonderful memories and ways that I admired, appreciated, and adored about my mother. I know that she knew she was loved and cherished. I keep finding card after card of my expressions of love and gratitude for the heritage and love shown me by my mother!! It is something I can only hope for as a mother. I am in the trenches of life right now with these four beautiful little children. Someday, I can only hope and pray that the Lord my Father will work in their hearts as He did in mine and allow me to be the kind of mother that my children will arise and call me blessed because of my dependence on God and the sacrifices --as I called my mom.

God is Good

This week has been a tough. We started school on Monday with much fanfare and excitement. (It really was a great week.) However, Monday was a really sad day not to have my mom here to celebrate a little thing like the start of a new school year. We had a cake for the new year, and lots of activities for the day/week. She would have enjoyed the fun of the day. I think that is what I miss most about her not being here is the celebration of life that she brought with her. Family....what an amazing blessing.

As the kids have gotten older I continue to remind them that the people in this house will be your best friends for life. Of course you will have special people that come and go in your life, but there is nothing that compares to the bond of family. They are just there, (and we want to train and encourage them to work on those relationships all through their lives) to celebrate life with, the good and the bad.

Another strong issue this week has been all of the sickness around us. Everywhere i look I see/hear about stuff going around. Our journey groups just started in church this last week. Now...because of all the junk we really need to reconsider what to do with church. Rachel doesn't usually get to stay in Sunday school during the winter hence we have never belonged to a small group. Not we are in a dilemma as to what to do. Not only do we need to keep Rachel safe, but the boys need also to careful not to bring stuff home. ARGGG!!! So, I come before the Lord asking Him for direction. He has given us this very special family, and He has not intended us to live in isolation, but...we also need to be wise. The H1N1 is in several schools along with several families from church. Lord, please give direction.

I am so glad that God is a good God and that He doesn't intend harm for us, but it sometimes so hard to trust in His care for us in the midst of things and circumstances that are out of our control. Lord, I give you my life and my all. Take it, my husband, my kids, all that I hold dear for you are God!! Help me to fully trust You, and more over know that you are good even in pain and suffering.

Family nights are a way to really show love to our family. I love having our family nights. It is such a blessing to sit back and enjoy time with everyone. The kids love the special time together. Mom and dad love using these times as good teaching/sharing the love of the Lord in a real and tangible way. Not to mention they are just a lot of fun. It takes a little time to plan our nights, but it is so fun to love on our children in specific, measured ways. Tonight we hammered nails. Keeping the focus on the "ONE" was the theme. We also made bird houses. Thank you Lord for each of these beautiful children and an awesome husband that wants to develop Godly qualities and characteristics in our little ones.

Rejoicing Through The Tears

Today would have been my mother's 6oth birthday. It seems at times that a birthday is just another day with lots of hassles and busy work getting a party together and finding just the right present. However, once someone is gone... that all changes. The day is really a great day of reflection on who they were and what their lives meant. When the Bible says that our lives are but just a vapor, it really feels that way once someone has passed on to Heaven. The time here while seemingly endless is just-gone--that fast. Today I long for just one more day to talk to my mom, sit with her, to hug her and tell her how amazing she was. My heart misses her so terribly. Other than Christ, there never will be another that knows me and understands me or loves me the way my mother did. I am so thankful that I know she is with Our Heavenly Father, but God knows how much I miss her! It has only been 6 weeks since she left this world, and yet it seems like an eternity. When we were talking about it being mom's birthday today Nathan said, "I wish she was still here to celebrate. But she is dead, so I guess she is having a better party with Jesus. That's that." It was a little abrupt, but also so true. I know she is having a great time, so that is that. Although I have been on the verge of tears and sadness all week, just knowing that her birthday was coming up. She had an amazing life and the joy that she brought to all of us was incredible. I am thankful for memories and thankful for the hope that is mine through the Resurrection of Jesus.

Today as I reflect on my mom I am reminded of the goodness of God and His love for me. He IS!!! I am glad... and that is truly that.

God has been so good through this process of grieving and healing. There are still many days that I find it hard to breathe or function with out tears on the brim of my heart and eyes, but God has been so faithful. I am thankful for His goodness and reminding me that He is here. I still feel such a void, but He IS!!

The last week has been a struggle in getting things cleaned out of our basement. It has been a healing experience for me with many tears. One of the things that has been nice to see is the amount of letters and cards that I have given to my mom over the years. I think mom kept everyone of them. I clearly told her how special I thought she was and how I thanked God for her presence in my life daily. It was comforting to know that I did take the time to tell her that I was proud that she was my mom. It is a good reminder to tell others of your love for them. I also pray that I am the kind of mom that my children rise up and call blessed.

As I was going through the boxes of mom's stuff I found some fun treasures in the form of quilts. I am so excited that mom had several quilts half finished. I have some projects to do with my girls/kids in years to come. What fun for them to know that they are helping to finish a project that there grandma started. I will make sure that tradition is passed on, however I wish I would have payed a little better attention. I know some of the very basic patterns, so I guess I will start there. I think I have made about 6 quilts, of course with my mom standing over my shoulder so...now it will be time for me to forage my own path.

Off to bed,I have a lot to do tomorrow, swim lessons, figure out school for this next year, clean the house, prepare for a birthday party for Rachel. She will be four years old. What a blessing!!! Four years ago we didn't know if we would have four hours, let alone four days. We have been blessed even if the road is hard and we are weary and worn at times from this battle, God is here with us. We will celebrate life!! We will praise Him for He is good.

A New Normal

It is so weird to think that the person that saw all of my firsts is now gone. I am thankful that I was able to see some of her lasts, but there is such irony in that thought. I saw her take her last breathe, she saw me take my first. I saw her last steps here on this Earth, she saw my first. I remember her last foods, she gave me my first foods. There is something very sweet about these memories and yet something that so deeply grieves my soul. I thank God for the time that I have had with my mom, and yet I so desperately wish there could have been more. I could not ask her to stay here even if she could have, but...oh how I miss her! There have been so many days in the last month that I have just ached and longed to talk to her, to ask her a question that only she would know.

I am amazed at the bond that was there between us. I always knew it was there and I have been close to my mom all my life. My biggest fear growing up was that my mom would die and leave me alone. I would go into her room at night and watch to make sure that she was breathing and then return to my room and pray that God would keep her alive and well for years. Well...now...life is taking shape in a different manner without her here. It has been a month today since I last talked to her. Tomorrow it will be a month since she went on Home to Glory. In many ways the pain is less, I am not crying non-stop all day everyday. But, in many ways the pain is changing in a deeper sense. I miss her voice, her wise council, her encouragement, the joy of having her here daily with us. I bet I talked to her almost everyday at least once for at least the last 14 years (except my time over in China). I miss telling her the fun day to day things that happen that only she would care about. There is no one that will ever love my kids the way she did. I am sad for them.

Rachel the other day prayed for Grandma in Heaven. I had to remind her that Grams didn't need prayer anymore, but we do here on Earth. She smiled and said, "But I was Grams' happy feet". It was the name that Grandma had given to her and she loved it.

The funny thing about memories is that they are precious and fun, but the thought of not being able to make new ones leaves a saddness almost unbearable at times. I loved my mother in a way that I can be proud of. She was an amazing woman with a smile and silliness unmatched by any I have ever known. I loved the way that she loved. It was full, deep and without restrain. God gave her an awesome ability to fully let someone into her heart. She was such a real person. Often goofy and silly in the things that she said and did, but she didn't care. She was able to laugh at herself, and it didn't take much to make her laugh. She was a fun person to be around.

I am going to use this blog to work through some of the many memories and emotions I have going through my mind. LIfe goes on...even through the saddness.

Tribute to Mom

When I think of my mother I think of someone who kissed Earth with strength and love from Heaven. She was an amazing woman with so many different faciets that made up her character. She was kind and gentle, yet forceful and blunt when needed. There was rarely a question about what she thought of someone or something because she was a person that was real and transparent. She was a simple person as she used to say, that loved life. One of the things that I valued the most in my mother was her deep and abiding faith in the Lord. She had experienced much of her young life as normal person knowing about God, but not knowing Him. Several years after my sister and I were born God took hold of her heart and life. There was a transformation that was true and genuine and from that time on she walked on a different path. She fell in love with Jesus! Life was not easy as a single mother, but I grew up hearing the wonderful stories of how God had blessed her and provided for us in asounding ways. She was very quick to give God praise for who He was and then to proclaim His goodness to whomever would listen. People who knew her well say that I am very much like her in my desire to quickly give God praise, I learned it from her. She was an awesome example of a person who fully trusted God, and knew from a long, deep relationship with Him that He never fails!

Mom loved people. She practiced hospitality often. I loved it how she never let it bother her that our house wasn't perfect, or that we didn't have just the right meal to serve but invited others to be part of our lives despite these things. People always felt at home in her house.

Some of the things she loved most were singing praises to the Lord. When we were young she would invite others from church over for nights of singing praises to the Lord. I remember going to bed listening to the adults singing into the wee hours of the morning. Everywhere we went we sang. She had a song for every cirucumstance. She loved music. Mom also loved being expresive in other ways. She loved to sew and create things. Quilting was a favorite because she loved the comparsion to the ways God takes different scraps of our lives and makes a master peice out of it.

One of my mom's favorite hobbies was being an amazing grandmother. I often marveled at her patience and love for each one of the kids. She adored them and they knew it. A day wouldn't go by that she wouldn't call to check on them or stop to see them. Every colored picture that they gave her she treasuered and made sure it made it to her refridgerator. She enjoyed teaching them games, how to cook and even how to sew. What she enjoyed teaching them the most was about the love of Jesus. She recently had a converstaion with our young seven year old about what to look for in a future wife. I overheard her saying, "First, and most important she must love Jesus." How precious to have a mother than knew the love of the Lord and allowed others to see it so clearly in all aspects of her life.

There are many things that I will miss terribly about my mom. She was my biggest encourager. She reminded me often of the Lord's faithfulness and the way he always does what is best. "He never gives us more than we can handle." Even in the pain of death...God is here and He is faithful. There is no greater friend that He. I am thankful for the verse, "But the love of the Lord remains forever with thsoe who fear him. His salvation extends to the children's children of those...who obey his comandments!!" Ps. 103:17-18 Thank you mom for teaching me about Jesus. I know that the Lord has blessed me as well as my children because of your influence and faithfulness. Thank you for being Christ to us here on Earth. I love you always and forever.

Mercies are new

Thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. I am headed to the hospital this morning. Mom has dialysis again today. She is starting to feel better, now it is time to start working on her strength. SHe is very weak and has been in the bed for almost a week. We are hoping that the dr.s have some good direction on how to best help mom recover.

Thankful

I am reminded today that all that I love, and all that I have are in God's hands. He is the giver of life and the sustainer of life. I am thankful that it is Him that I have my trust in. When times are difficult like they have been for the last few months I am just so thankful that I know He is God and that He loves me and cares for each and every one of my needs.