Today, I was working on cleaning my basement (a never ending task it seems) and I came across a Mother's Day card that I had written to my mom over 9 years ago. It was when I was pregnant with Nathan so I did not have near the respect or admiration for what a mother means that I do today. However, the words that I wrote brought a smile and a tear to my eye. I have always loved to write (even if grammar and spelling have always eluded me) so this particular card was about 9 pages long. It went through the many stages of life that we had shared.
It started with childhood and how she had sacrificed so much for Kim and I. She went with out so much so that we could have. The many hours she spent in the car taking us to practices, church, and other various events. It then went on to talk about high school and the way she was so strict in HS while our other friends were out running around we were home with our friends, or at least making an account for where we were. The card continued into college and how all of our friends loved seeing "Mama B" come to town. She often brought treats and surprises along with a lot of laughter. All of our friends from college knew of my mom and have fond memories of her time with us at college. Mom always pushed us on to greater heights. I know every time she left I cried hard, I am quite sure she did too, but never let us see the pain of separation only the joy of knowing she was proud of us. Then the card talked about holding my hand as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day. What a honor and privilege to have my mother give me away. It was a joyous day for me, but I am sure once again a day full of mixed emotions for her. Little did she know that she would be getting an amazing son.
The last two pages of the Mother's Day card/book really made me cry. It was labeled Present and Future. I had so many joys of having her near. I talked to her everyday, and sometimes multiple times. She was the one I loved to talk to and bounce ideas off of. I have a wonderful husband, but there is still nothing like a mother's wisdom to glean from. Then reading about the future that we no longer have to look forward to, my heart broke. I miss her so much!!
As I closed the book two thoughts overwhelmed me. The first, of course was the intense grief and loss that I feel with out her here with me to share life. The other equally strong feeling was that of Thankfulness. I am so thankful that I took the time to put into words all of the wonderful memories and ways that I admired, appreciated, and adored about my mother. I know that she knew she was loved and cherished. I keep finding card after card of my expressions of love and gratitude for the heritage and love shown me by my mother!! It is something I can only hope for as a mother. I am in the trenches of life right now with these four beautiful little children. Someday, I can only hope and pray that the Lord my Father will work in their hearts as He did in mine and allow me to be the kind of mother that my children will arise and call me blessed because of my dependence on God and the sacrifices --as I called my mom.
