Singing Praises

Today was a tough appointment for Rachel. The doctor said there was some evidence of thickening of the lungs and some obstructions in the lungs. Basically progressing of this disease =( !! I know this is the nature of this terrible disease of Cystic Fibrosis. I am thankful that God is in control. I am thankful for today and that I have direction and comfort from my Father. I also cherish the days, weeks, months and years that I have with each of my precious children. God uses Rachel to remind us all how precious and fleeting each moment is on this earth. Sad, and heavy hearted, but rejoicing in the ONE WHO MADE THE STARS!!!

Fun in the Snow

Had a great time sledding with the kiddos, however realized how old I feel with this particular activity. The kids run up and down the hills and I TRUDGE. Had a great time, but wondering why our entrance to our house looks like this? Oh, well. As my mom used to say. "Your kids are only little once and they won't remember the messy house, only the messy activities that were shared."

Thankful!

Today, I was working on cleaning my basement (a never ending task it seems) and I came across a Mother's Day card that I had written to my mom over 9 years ago. It was when I was pregnant with Nathan so I did not have near the respect or admiration for what a mother means that I do today. However, the words that I wrote brought a smile and a tear to my eye. I have always loved to write (even if grammar and spelling have always eluded me) so this particular card was about 9 pages long. It went through the many stages of life that we had shared.

It started with childhood and how she had sacrificed so much for Kim and I. She went with out so much so that we could have. The many hours she spent in the car taking us to practices, church, and other various events. It then went on to talk about high school and the way she was so strict in HS while our other friends were out running around we were home with our friends, or at least making an account for where we were. The card continued into college and how all of our friends loved seeing "Mama B" come to town. She often brought treats and surprises along with a lot of laughter. All of our friends from college knew of my mom and have fond memories of her time with us at college. Mom always pushed us on to greater heights. I know every time she left I cried hard, I am quite sure she did too, but never let us see the pain of separation only the joy of knowing she was proud of us. Then the card talked about holding my hand as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day. What a honor and privilege to have my mother give me away. It was a joyous day for me, but I am sure once again a day full of mixed emotions for her. Little did she know that she would be getting an amazing son.

The last two pages of the Mother's Day card/book really made me cry. It was labeled Present and Future. I had so many joys of having her near. I talked to her everyday, and sometimes multiple times. She was the one I loved to talk to and bounce ideas off of. I have a wonderful husband, but there is still nothing like a mother's wisdom to glean from. Then reading about the future that we no longer have to look forward to, my heart broke. I miss her so much!!

As I closed the book two thoughts overwhelmed me. The first, of course was the intense grief and loss that I feel with out her here with me to share life. The other equally strong feeling was that of Thankfulness. I am so thankful that I took the time to put into words all of the wonderful memories and ways that I admired, appreciated, and adored about my mother. I know that she knew she was loved and cherished. I keep finding card after card of my expressions of love and gratitude for the heritage and love shown me by my mother!! It is something I can only hope for as a mother. I am in the trenches of life right now with these four beautiful little children. Someday, I can only hope and pray that the Lord my Father will work in their hearts as He did in mine and allow me to be the kind of mother that my children will arise and call me blessed because of my dependence on God and the sacrifices --as I called my mom.

God is Good

This week has been a tough. We started school on Monday with much fanfare and excitement. (It really was a great week.) However, Monday was a really sad day not to have my mom here to celebrate a little thing like the start of a new school year. We had a cake for the new year, and lots of activities for the day/week. She would have enjoyed the fun of the day. I think that is what I miss most about her not being here is the celebration of life that she brought with her. Family....what an amazing blessing.

As the kids have gotten older I continue to remind them that the people in this house will be your best friends for life. Of course you will have special people that come and go in your life, but there is nothing that compares to the bond of family. They are just there, (and we want to train and encourage them to work on those relationships all through their lives) to celebrate life with, the good and the bad.

Another strong issue this week has been all of the sickness around us. Everywhere i look I see/hear about stuff going around. Our journey groups just started in church this last week. Now...because of all the junk we really need to reconsider what to do with church. Rachel doesn't usually get to stay in Sunday school during the winter hence we have never belonged to a small group. Not we are in a dilemma as to what to do. Not only do we need to keep Rachel safe, but the boys need also to careful not to bring stuff home. ARGGG!!! So, I come before the Lord asking Him for direction. He has given us this very special family, and He has not intended us to live in isolation, but...we also need to be wise. The H1N1 is in several schools along with several families from church. Lord, please give direction.

I am so glad that God is a good God and that He doesn't intend harm for us, but it sometimes so hard to trust in His care for us in the midst of things and circumstances that are out of our control. Lord, I give you my life and my all. Take it, my husband, my kids, all that I hold dear for you are God!! Help me to fully trust You, and more over know that you are good even in pain and suffering.

Family nights are a way to really show love to our family. I love having our family nights. It is such a blessing to sit back and enjoy time with everyone. The kids love the special time together. Mom and dad love using these times as good teaching/sharing the love of the Lord in a real and tangible way. Not to mention they are just a lot of fun. It takes a little time to plan our nights, but it is so fun to love on our children in specific, measured ways. Tonight we hammered nails. Keeping the focus on the "ONE" was the theme. We also made bird houses. Thank you Lord for each of these beautiful children and an awesome husband that wants to develop Godly qualities and characteristics in our little ones.

Rejoicing Through The Tears

Today would have been my mother's 6oth birthday. It seems at times that a birthday is just another day with lots of hassles and busy work getting a party together and finding just the right present. However, once someone is gone... that all changes. The day is really a great day of reflection on who they were and what their lives meant. When the Bible says that our lives are but just a vapor, it really feels that way once someone has passed on to Heaven. The time here while seemingly endless is just-gone--that fast. Today I long for just one more day to talk to my mom, sit with her, to hug her and tell her how amazing she was. My heart misses her so terribly. Other than Christ, there never will be another that knows me and understands me or loves me the way my mother did. I am so thankful that I know she is with Our Heavenly Father, but God knows how much I miss her! It has only been 6 weeks since she left this world, and yet it seems like an eternity. When we were talking about it being mom's birthday today Nathan said, "I wish she was still here to celebrate. But she is dead, so I guess she is having a better party with Jesus. That's that." It was a little abrupt, but also so true. I know she is having a great time, so that is that. Although I have been on the verge of tears and sadness all week, just knowing that her birthday was coming up. She had an amazing life and the joy that she brought to all of us was incredible. I am thankful for memories and thankful for the hope that is mine through the Resurrection of Jesus.

Today as I reflect on my mom I am reminded of the goodness of God and His love for me. He IS!!! I am glad... and that is truly that.

God has been so good through this process of grieving and healing. There are still many days that I find it hard to breathe or function with out tears on the brim of my heart and eyes, but God has been so faithful. I am thankful for His goodness and reminding me that He is here. I still feel such a void, but He IS!!

The last week has been a struggle in getting things cleaned out of our basement. It has been a healing experience for me with many tears. One of the things that has been nice to see is the amount of letters and cards that I have given to my mom over the years. I think mom kept everyone of them. I clearly told her how special I thought she was and how I thanked God for her presence in my life daily. It was comforting to know that I did take the time to tell her that I was proud that she was my mom. It is a good reminder to tell others of your love for them. I also pray that I am the kind of mom that my children rise up and call blessed.

As I was going through the boxes of mom's stuff I found some fun treasures in the form of quilts. I am so excited that mom had several quilts half finished. I have some projects to do with my girls/kids in years to come. What fun for them to know that they are helping to finish a project that there grandma started. I will make sure that tradition is passed on, however I wish I would have payed a little better attention. I know some of the very basic patterns, so I guess I will start there. I think I have made about 6 quilts, of course with my mom standing over my shoulder so...now it will be time for me to forage my own path.

Off to bed,I have a lot to do tomorrow, swim lessons, figure out school for this next year, clean the house, prepare for a birthday party for Rachel. She will be four years old. What a blessing!!! Four years ago we didn't know if we would have four hours, let alone four days. We have been blessed even if the road is hard and we are weary and worn at times from this battle, God is here with us. We will celebrate life!! We will praise Him for He is good.